Everyone is afraid of something. Mainly simple things like heights, spiders or the dark; and as humans who enjoy the comfort of knowing we are not alone, we usually share these light fears. There is one fear that I have kept a secret for as long as I can remember. I do not know if it is because I am scared that I won't find comfort from others or because I constantly try to write it off as silly, but it is something that is always in the back of my mind. I am terrified of guns.
Now don't get me wrong, it's not the gun itself I am afraid of, it's the person behind it. It's the fear that I could be in a crowded place someday and I can get shot. It's the fear of keeping an eye on someone wearing a trench coat because I do not know what they are hiding behind the folds. It's the fear that I know that my local school, movie theater, or even now, night club is not a safe place for me to be. It's the fear that shootings are so common in America that I need to have that fear.
Since being in Australia, that fear has diminished immensely. I no longer keep an eye on the "sketchy" student aggressively riffling through his bag because he is most likely looking for his notes. I don't go into the city and watch the people around me for any suspicious signs. I especially don't have this nagging idea of "what if" constantly running through my mind.
I feel I'm not the only American who has this fear. The millennial generation that I am a part of is the first to have practice drills for the scenario "if a person who does not have permission to enter the school gets inside." Even from our first drill, we all understood that meant "a person with a gun with intent to harm." Anyone in my generation can tell you the rules of close the blinds, lock the door, turn the lights off, hide against the wall and be completely silent. Luckily, I've only been in a real lock down once, and that was because a stray dog was lured into my school by the smell of chicken nuggets for lunch. But there are many schools across the United States who have had to actually use this drill to save lives and keep students safe.
Being raised in a world where Columbine, Virginia Tech, Aurora, Colorado, Sandy Hook and now Pulse nightclub all have connotations of guns and sorrow, has impacted me to a point where I live in an almost constant fear. The worst part of it all, is that I know when I step off that plane in less than two weeks time back in America, I will have to switch that fear back on in my head.
I will have to go back to being in a crowded area and wondering what my next moves will be if that person sitting 10 feet from me were to open fire. I will have to go back to sitting in a movie theater and looking around knowing where all my emergency exits are to make a quick escape. I will have to go back to always hearing that voice inside my head saying "this could happen at any moment, what are you going to do to make it out alive?"
Having this vacation from my constant subconscious companion has been nice. I feel safe and worry free here in Australia trying not to be a step ahead of anyone who may harm me. I don't know what it will take in America for this to be the case for me as well, but I'm hoping to be able to live to see the day where I can live free of this burden.
